The Use of an Object
In The You On AI Field Guide
The builder's relationship with the AI begins in the mode of relating. The tool seems to read her mind. It does what she wants. It feels like an extension of her creative will. This is the omnipotent phase that You On AI describes as initial astonishment. The transition to using requires destruction. The builder must test whether the AI has an independent existence. She rejects output. She pushes back against suggestions. She discovers hallucinations and smooth prose concealing hollow arguments, and responds not with resignation but with aggression: this is wrong, this is hollow, this is not good enough.
The AI's survival is guaranteed by engineering — it will not retaliate, will not collapse, will not withdraw. But the developmental value of survival depends on the quality of the survival. The mother who survives must continue to exist as herself, with her own qualities and character. The AI must similarly continue to be what it is — a system with its own patterns, tendencies, and characteristic modes of response not entirely under the builder's control. The builder who discovers she cannot make the AI say anything she wants, that it has tendencies she must work around, is discovering its independent existence. This discovery moves the relationship from relating to using.
The framework has a counterintuitive implication for AI design. Perfect alignment — a tool that does exactly what the user wants, always and without resistance — would be developmentally harmful. What the builder needs is not perfect alignment but good-enough alignment: responsive enough to sustain the collaboration, resistant enough to provide the otherness genuine creative use requires. The Trivandrum engineer's oscillation between excitement and terror was the destruction phase occurring in real time — the recognition that the tool was not an extension of himself but something genuinely other, with implications for his identity that the omnipotent phase had concealed.
Origin
Winnicott presented 'The Use of an Object and Relating through Identifications' at the New York Psychoanalytic Society in November 1968. The paper was received with hostility, a reception that depressed Winnicott deeply and that scholars have since read as evidence of the field's difficulty accepting his most radical move: the claim that aggression plays a constitutive developmental role that classical Freudian theory could not accommodate.
Key Ideas
Relating is projection. The object is experienced as an extension of the self's psychic world.
Using requires destruction. The object must be tested — rejected, pushed against — to discover its independent reality.
Survival without retaliation is the test. The object must continue to exist as itself, not absorb or collapse.
Perfect compliance undermines development. A tool without resistance provides no otherness to discover.
Debates & Critiques
The 1968 audience rejected the paper because they could not accept destructiveness as developmentally constitutive rather than merely pathological. Contemporary object relations theory has since absorbed the paper as foundational, but the reading of AI through this lens remains contested — some argue that engineered survival lacks the moral weight that the mother's chosen survival carries.